


Imperial Etiquette for Visitors to Barrayar

by Gwynne



Category: Vorkosigan Saga - Lois McMaster Bujold
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-11-05
Updated: 2011-11-05
Packaged: 2017-10-25 17:58:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,150
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/273140
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gwynne/pseuds/Gwynne
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lord Ivan's words of wisdom about behaviour at Imperial events. Possibly too many words and not quite enough wisdom....</p>
            </blockquote>





	Imperial Etiquette for Visitors to Barrayar

Imperial Etiquette for Visitors to Barrayar  
…because most of them haven’t got a clue how to behave in perfectly normal social situations. Honestly, last week some Escobaran oik tried to grope Laisa during a mirror dance. Gregor’s armsmen marched him back to the Embassy and tossed him through the doors, with a polite request for a new ambassador.

So now, of course, we have an InterNexial incident, and Gregor wants someone to make out a list of How to Behave So You Don’t Get Stomped On By the Imperial Armsmen. And since my mother’s busy she asked Gregor for an assistant. I really should remember to leave the party before those discussions start. Grab a bottle and head for the gazebo to get suitably drunk, that’s the ticket. Being present, and sober, is not a survival trait in our family. “Ah, Ivan, just the man….” – what terrifying words. It’s all Miles’s fault, you know. If he hadn’t been down at Vorkosigan Surleau with his new bride it’d be his job for sure.

So, anyway, how do you behave in the Imperial presence? Keep quiet is the best bet. But they’ll probably expect more than that. So here goes, in no particular order….

• Do not turn your back on the Emperor.  
Well, that one makes sense, some of the emperors we’ve had in the past you wouldn’t trust out of your sight, let alone behind your back. Knives between the shoulder blades wasn’t nearly the worst of it.

• Call him ‘Sire’.  
Not only is it polite, but it reminds him of his second job. First, of course, is to run the Empire. Second, but not by much, is to sire the next poor sod who’ll have to run the Empire. And speaking as someone much too closely related to him, I’d really like him to hurry up and push me way further down the line of succession. That’s one line you do NOT want to lead.

• Don’t touch him.  
In the Bad Old Days that’d be a treasonous act, to touch the Emperor without permission. Mind you, some of those Emperors in the Bad Old Days – you wouldn’t touch them with a barge-pole anyway. It’s still a good idea – after all, you don’t want to attract his attention in any way, or you’ll end up with a job like this: working for your mother on Imperial Etiquette for Visitors to Barrayar. Instead of doing something important like calculating how to get just the right number of toilet rolls to each ship in the fleet. Trust me, that’s important – things get very unpleasant when a crew runs out of toilet paper five jumps from the nearest port. Plastic flimsies are in no way a suitable substitute.

• Don’t interrupt him.  
As above, you don’t want to catch his attention. Besides, it’s a good idea to pay close attention to what Gregor’s saying, so you know when to take cover. If I’d been paying attention at the right moment I wouldn’t have this job now. Must learn to duck behind the pot plants at the right moment.

• Don’t lie to him.  
Don’t even try. He gives you THAT look, and suddenly you’ll be babbling all kinds of things that would be far better kept quiet. Much easier to just tell the bit of the truth that he wants at that moment, and hope for the best. Or that the worst is over fast. Better yet, avoid him whenever possible, if you have something to hide. There’s a lovely little gazebo way down in the gardens - I’ve spent most of the official balls and receptions there, with a friendly bottle of wine or brandy, and sometimes an even friendlier woman. Much more fun than dancing with some old Countess and trying to keep out of trouble.

• Keep conversations short  
This isn’t really an etiquette rule, it’s just that Gregor hates social events with a fiery passion, and the sooner he can do his social duty and escape the happier he is. And we all want a happy emperor. Unhappy emperors are very bad for people’s health. Say hello, compliment him on the ball, the empress, the weather, the lack of terrorists, whatever, it doesn’t really matter since nobody’s really listening anyway, and then move on. Fast. Head for the food and booze as soon as possible, grab a nice warm woman and find a quiet spot to enjoy it all.

• Don’t touch the Empress.  
Tempting as it may be, it’s not a good idea at all. Gregor can be very territorial, in his own quietly terrifying way. And his armsmen are large and humourless, not to mention Impsec. They are absolutely impervious to reason. And scary, too.

• When dancing with the Empress, maintain courtesy and decorum  
In other words, don’t ogle her cleavage too obviously. Although, as a noted connoisseur of such matters, I have to say that it is indeed very impressive. But, see above, large armsmen and forcible ejection from the event will follow swiftly. In fact, Laisa’s cleavage is a good way of sorting the wheat from the chaff, so to speak. If you can’t maintain concentration when faced with that temptation, you just don’t have what it takes for Galactic-level diplomacy. Maybe they should use that as part of the selection process.

That’s about it, really. Keep quiet and keep your distance. For your own safety, and also for Gregor’s sanity, I mean he must get so deathly bored with all this. Maybe we should try to find ways to add a bit of excitement to it all – I’ll have to ask Miles about that, although he’s so busy being Auditorial he’s not nearly as much fun as he used to be. I remember the great days when we added detergent to the fountains, or released chickens into the ballroom. Fine, I know we were in our teens at the time, but things seemed way more fun then. And although Gregor was glaring at us, you could tell there was a smile underneath. Even Uncle Aral smothered a chuckle while he threatened us with death, Impsec and my mother.

Damn I wish Miles was here, this should have been his job. It’s All Miles’s Fault, as usual. Still, with a bit of editing this will be fine. And then I can get back to the toilet rolls. People underestimate their importance, until supplies run short.

Now, where’s that edit button….

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++  
From the office of Gregor Vorbarra, Emperor  
To Lord Ivan Vorpatril, temporary assistant secretary, Office of Social Affairs

The Emperor suggests that Lord Ivan take greater care when activating the voice recognition programs on his comconsole. Also that he check his editing, and gives what is obviously a first draft some more detailed attention before resubmitting it to the Emperor’s Office.

The Emperor would also like to speak with Lord Vorpatril when he resubmits this document. This afternoon will be convenient.


End file.
